Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The Homeless Prophets

Well our favorite putrid platform prophet has finally topped himself. Last night he spouted this rant:

‘The Governor should have been honest. Sorry kids, no more money for education. Hookers are expensive.’ That’s his best one liner yet!

He was right in front of me when he said it. My laugh reflexes got the best of me. He saw me smile and let out a quick chuckle. Dammit. Now he’s marked me. He knows who I am. When he finally snaps he’s going to find me if I happen to be on the subway platform at the time. I have to be on high alert down there from now on.

So then I get on the crowded train and there is an old woman sitting across from me. She sort of looked like Ruth Buzzi's character Glady from Laugh-In. Suddenly she starts mumbling obscenities to herself. Then she starts in a little more loudly spewing what sounded like, ‘muck, yuck, frock, pluck, duck, suck, fuck, cluck.’ Not necessarily in that order. Then she gets up and walks over to a guy sitting a row down from me and said, ‘How can you let him draw a picture of you like that? You are a Jew and he is a spy. I am trying to protect you.’ I did not notice anyone drawing or spying on this man. He responded tongue and cheek, ‘Thank you. I will be more careful next time.’ Gladys then got offended and said, ‘Oh you mock me! Ta hell wit’cha!’ She got off at the next stop and as the doors closed we saw her bouncing her body left to right and flailing her arms like some possessed chicken yelling sarcastically to us, ‘wock, wock, wock, wock!’.

I just shook my head and said ‘Only in New York’ to whoever was in ear shot.

- The Mountain Cat

24 comments:

Doc said...

Reason # 3468201 that I prefer my commute from Kannapolis to Charlotte.

Karen said...

I am with Doc. Somehow I ALWAYS get to hang next to the psycho on the train or the path. I feel safer in my car.

Micky-T said...

We use to take the train into Boston on weekend nights and ride the subway all night for quality entertainment just like you describe.
We were usually in somewhat of an altered state of course!

Doc said...

‘muck, yuck, frock, pluck, duck, suck, fuck, cluck.’
- Also a quote attributed to Absolutgator on St. Patty's day circa 1996

The Mama Bear said...

What a colorful city you live in...we see nothing like that here in backwatersville, WI...just rednecks who collect cars and think they can be landlords.

Doc said...

Mama Bear - Is that a trait of people from Wisconsin? everyone I know from Wisconsin has a junked up car, broken down in their garage.

Christine said...

Where do you find these photos! Ha, ha.. Ruth Buzzy! Or is that Alfalfa?

The Mountain Cat said...

Sis, I found them on Google images. Tell us your crazy new york stories when you worked on this wonderful island.

Christine said...

I did cut school with my friends and go to the NYC St. Paddy's Day parade. We'd drink beer and then try to get into the Plaza Hotel to use the restroom!

Also in NY I was mugged, and robbed a few times. One time, an actual punch in the stomach to grab by handbag that was hanging across my chest. The strap broke and I fell into a puddle in the sidewalk. A few other times I had wallets or handbags stolen from my restaurant seat. Don't leave your bags unattended, ladies! Other that that, I do love NY!

Leighann said...

That's hysterical! You should compile all of your stories into a book!

The Mountain Cat said...

Sis, I have never seen you drink a beer in my entire life.
And I knew about your handbag incident but not about the others. Yikes. NYC is still a fun place....

As American as Apple Pie said...

Doc-just how many of us are there? & hubby is fixing that!

Christine said...

I'm not a big drinker - beer or otherwise. But it was St. Pat's and I was 16!

I do like a Kettle One and cranberry with a splash of club! Tasty and refreshing! Oh, and a good chardonnay!

Jay said...

I don't know, these people seem perfectly normal to me. ;-)

Doc said...

Apple... don't look at me. Penelope said it... I was just asking.

The Mountain Cat said...

Sis,
Speaking of 16, our little niece Elizabeth turns 16 on Monday! I told her that she'd better not get knocked up like Jamie Lynn Spears. She replied, 'No Uncle Vin, I'm not a whore.' I heard she has a new boyfriend now. uhoh.

Matt-Man said...

I want to party with your Gladys lookin' aquaintence. Cheers Cat!!

The Mountain Cat said...

Matt-Man, What no bag ladies in Bagwine?

Knight said...

*Sigh* I love this city.

Bina said...

Good Lord. Is this the kind of think New Yorkers have to deal with on a daily basis? That would drive me nuts, but hey, at least it gives you someone to laugh at, and something to blog about it!!!!

The Mountain Cat said...

Bina, No this is not a daily occurance. But this stuff goes on in EVERY city. Including Kannapolis Doc. You jsut don't see it since y'all are in your cars and never walk. LOL.

Steph said...

I just want to spend an hour in your world. Especially the part of your world that's occupied by the obscenity-spewing Dr. Suess wannabe.

Steph said...

I just want to spend an hour in your world. Especially the part of your world that's occupied by the obscenity-spewing Dr. Suess wannabe.

Becky said...

I need to move to NYC stat.