Friday, December 4, 2009

Vince's Yule Time Rant '09


Well folks as our holiday season is upon us filled with joy, sentiment and maxed out credit cards, I want to share with you my festive thoughts and feelings as my gift to you with a big fat red bow tied on top.

Yes the Christmas carolers are out and about with jovial voices and runny nosed children chanting holy splendor. But I never get that gushy feeling when a chorus of little pre-teens get together to form a spiritual cluster of octave cheer. It is not the fact that I dislike the tone of 20 odd high pitched little brats singing off key. It is because of how these parents think I am SUPPOSE to feel about them.

‘Oh look, that’s our little Darthaniel singing ‘Oh Come All Yee Faithful’. Isn’t he just so precious and talented?’

‘That’s our wholesome Fawnette; warbling the bars of ‘Silent Night’. Ain’t she just sublime? Didn’t we raise such a swell little girl?’

These parents needs to take the first space shuttle back to the planet earth. Really now folks your offspring are not that special! Yeah yeah they are somewhat cute and I guess they make me all furry inside but he is not Mickey Rooney and your daughter is not Judy Garland…unless she drinks spiked eggnog then maybe she is.

And please do not make it worse by dressing your son for school in a little suit with a five inch snare drum. Your kids version of ‘The Little Boy’ makes me cringe more than when David Bowie teamed up with Bing Crosby. Pa rum pum pum pum THIS!

Look these imps have enough pressure with school work, friends and their Guitar Heros. So stop getting ideas that they will be on TV as ‘America’s Next Superstar Cherub’. Let your grommets run free and don’t expect them to sing in front of Uncle Bill and Auntie Janis on Christmas day. Believe me they will hate you for it and make you pay when you are old and feeble. Don’t mess up your kids more than you were after your second divorce.

But I digress.

This Christmas time should be a period to bring together our personal finances for the greater good of gift giving. And what symbolizes that Madison Avenue icon of presents more than Santa Claus! With that Little Debbie crumbed beard and the Maker’s Mark breathe! What better patriotic symbol do we have in our U.S. of A? The fat man of every shopping mall in America. Well I have a message for these Ed Wood quality thespians: Act like Santa Claus and that’s it! Nothing more! Do not stretch the character! You are NOT going to win an Academy Award up there on that plywood & Styrofoam stage.

'To Ho Ho Ho, or not to Ho Ho Ho? That is the question’. There is no way Santa Claus can pull of Shakespeare!

These children are five and six years old; they are more scared of you than entertained! Stop with the method Santa Claus ok you Robert De Niro wannabes!

Now if you really are an actor and this is the only gig you can get, well then I really think you should start to reconsider another career path.

And if you MUST spruce up your Kriss Kringle do it right. Stop OVERACTING! You are Saint Nicholas, not Saint NICHOLAS CAGE!

I guess I really have to except these faux Santas because they are here to stay. But what really needs to stop are those annoying bastard chipmunks!

Alvin, Simon and who is the other one? I think his name is Road Kill.

Really I am in a Kmart and then I hear piercingly over the load speakers: ‘Chwismus, Chwismus, twime is near, twime fur twoys and twine for chweerrrrrrrr’.

UGH!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!! THE HORROR!!

I suddenly have visions of one of these disease infested forest rats in the torture scene from ‘Reservoir Dogs’!

Can’t you see Mr. Blonde cutting Alvin’s ear off? Now that would be great TV! ‘The Quentin Tarantino Christmas Special’

This will be the darkest Christmas entertainment since ‘The William Shatner Christmas Album’.

But I’m no sadist.

I just think we’ve lost the holiday spirit in a gapping hole of want and need. We are bombarded by commercial ads of useless junk that I’ll forget about come January.

And please ask me what I want for Christmas before you buy me something!

‘Thanks Aunt Ethel! I always wanted an electric hairbrush!’

‘Darling you shouldn’t have! Rambos 1, 2, 3 AND 4. This makes my DVD collection complete!’

‘Grandma. How on earth could you afford to buy me a talking alarm clock on your fixed income?’

Please I’d prefer a Chia Pet and be done with it.

But really for me the best part of the holiday season is snow. I love that white powder. And not because IT IS snow. I love snow because so many people despise snow.

I get a kick out of people who get depressed this time of year because they hate the cold. Well guess what? You live in New York. It is December. It gets cold in New York in December!! Why are you so surprised EVERY year? I know it sucks but you make it worse on yourself by complaining about it. Move to Southern California if 30 degrees is soooo bad. My holiday experience is happier when you are cold and blue. To me this is my kind of jolly cheer. I pray for two feet of snow and 5 degrees Fahrenheit with high winds. It makes me laugh and feel better about myself when you shiver and whine. Keep it up.

So let’s accept the snow and frolic & dance in a white covered Central Park! It should be a happy time! No matter what you have or don’t have. That is the real spirit of Christmas! With chestnuts roasting and five or six or seven Brandy Alexanders. Let us all throw snow balls at the children carolers and rejoice!

Happy Holidays to everyone and a healthy 2010!

I love you all,

Vince

10 comments:

Micky-T said...

a period to bring together our personal finances for the greater good

You nailed it......

3 Men and a Lady said...

hahahaha I love the name Darthaniel! My 7yo would love to have any variation of the name Darth.

Karen said...

I also love when people complain about the snow. LOL. Really? It happens every year it shouldn't be a surprise.

And I am doing a Caroling for Cancer charity event next week. I have to dress like an Elf and go from bar to bar via party bus and sing carol and solicit donations. And have plenty of cocktails along the way. And I am way more annoying than a little kid singing.

Matt-Man said...

I can't believe you dissed William Shatner. May a pox befall your family. Cheers!!

Doc said...

You can tell that Vince has no kids.

jennifer said...

I want a Chia pet too. A gift that I can nurture and then watch die - "AW! You shouldn't have!"

And for the record, my kids are that cute. No really, they are...

Happy Holidays back atcha Vince :)

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I want to poke out my eardrums with ice picks - I'm on hold with Best Buy and they're singing carols with lyrics like "Here's what they need - a Yamaha Bass." Puh-lease!

Four Dinners said...

I completely agree about Santa. I'll take your word for New York.

I once played Santa about 18 years ago at my daughters nursery. I was impressed she din't recognise me. I'd also had several large shots of scotch to give me courage to do it at all! The kiddies seemd to enjoy my efforts.

In my earshot one mother asked her daughter if she'd enjoyed meeting Santa.

"Oh yes" said the cherub "but his breath smelt awful!"

Chandra said...

What exactly do you do when a group of caroling adolescents come to your door anyway? Do you offer then hot chocolate, candy like they are trick or treating, a dollar bill...what? Always curious about that.

I hate to say this, I AM one of those bitching fools who complains evertime it snows..If only I could move to Cali...I would be sooo happy then, that is for the first couple of years until I would miss the cold and snow at Christmas so I'm then right back where I started..it's a no win situation. Ba-humbug!

Marie said...

Wow! Tough day?