Julie's Cat

One winter back in college, Doc and I were visiting some friends in Charlotte. My friend Julie, decided to have a get together at her apartment. So, we drove over to her place in the cold, pouring rain. When we arrived at Julie's, there was a total of 10 of us. We ordered some pizzas and we had all brought beer. So, we were set to have a real fun time and get lambasted. As the evening progressed the cold rain continued, the beer flowed, the pizza got devoured, the music blared and the cigarette smoke filled the whole apartment. Everyone there was smoking except little ol' me. I was the only one who was getting irritated by the smoke after a while. At least at the time I thought I was the only one. Like I said, it was cold out so there were no windows open. Therefore, the smoke in the living room became thicker and thicker. The only window open was the sliding door to Julie's back porch which was open barely an inch.

Little by little we all got trashed. We were laughing, acting stupid and making a big mess spilling beer and food all over the carpet. Julie, our host, drank too much as well and we sensed that she was getting very annoyed. At first she was mad because our dear Doc brought his handgun (A Sig Sauer 9 Millimeter) with him and was showing a couple of our friends its details. Doc of course took the clip out, but Julie still was none too happy. Meanwhile, Julie's boyfriend Charlie ran to the bathroom as he was about to throw up from all the alcohol, junk food and smog. Julie runs into the bathroom after him. At the same time, our friend Dave, (also nicknamed Otis after the town drunk from The Andy Griffith Show) passed out drunk on her couch. This was my opportunity to enact revenge on Dave-Otis as he had put shaving cream on my crotch when I passed out at a party a few months earlier. I knocked on the bathroom door to ask Julie if she had any shaving cream. She did not answer me.

Suddenly out of nowhere, Julie's cat crawls out of hiding. (I don't remember the cat's sex, color or name, but Julie's Cat is a good enough name for all intents and purposes). Julie's Cat wanted nothing to do with us. That darn cat was almost choking to death and feebly dragged itself over to the sliding door and stuck his/her left paw in between the small crack of the door and pushed it open a little more so he/she could stick his/her snout out to get some fresh air. This is where Doc and I lost it. We couldn't believe it! Oh, my God it was the most hilarious thing we ever saw. At one point, it appeared that Julie's Cat looked back at Doc and me, shook its head in disapproval and turned back to breathe again. The two of us turned so red from laughter. No one else in the apartment saw what the cat had done. No one knew why we were rolling on the floor laughing our asses off.

After the laughter died down, I had to go to the bathroom. But it was still occupied by Julie and Charlie. My friend Mike and I were going to find a couple of bushes outside in lieu of the in-house facilities. I opened the front door and then like a flash of lightning, Julie's Cat ran underneath our legs and ran outside!

'Free at last! Free AT last!', Julie's Cat probably thought to his/herself.

But uh-oh we have to find him/her before Julie finds out....Too late. Julie came out of the bathroom and found out I accidentally let the cat out of the...ah...pad. At this point Julie had had enough. She began to scream at the top of her lungs the following diatribe:

'GODDAMN IT EVERYONE I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I INVITE YOU ALL OVER TO MY APARTMENT AND THE PLACE IS NOW A FUCKING PIG STY! AND SHANE BRINGS A GODDAMN GUN INTO MY HOUSE, MY BOYFRIEND IS THROWING UP IN MY BATHTUB, SOMEONE KEEPS ASKING FOR SHAVING CREAM AND NOW YOU LET MY FUCKING CAT RUN LOOSE IN THE GODDAMN FREEZING RAIN! PLEASE FIND MY CAT NOW AND EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT! DO NOT HELP ME CLEAN JUST GET OUT! I AM TIRED, CHARLIE IS SICK AND I AM NOT FUCKING HAPPY! FIND THE FUCKING CAT AND THEN FUCKING LEAVE!'

Luckily, Mike instantly found the cat and waltzed back in like a hero with he/she in his arms. One by one we said our goodbyes, Mike let the cat down, shut the door and we were gone. I don't remember who drove me home but I was in no condition to drive. Hell none of us were well enough to drive come to think of it.

And in case you were wondering, we were never asked back to hang out at Julie's apartment again.

- The Mountain Cat