Friday, December 5, 2008

The Mountain Cat's Yule Time Rant '08

Well folks as our holiday season is upon us filled with joy, sentiment and maxed out credit cards, I want to share with you my festive thoughts and feelings as my gift to you with a big fat red bow tied on top.

Yes the Christmas carolers are out and about with jovial voices and runny nosed children chanting holy splendor. But I never get that gushy feeling when a chorus of little pre-teens get together to form a spiritual cluster of octave cheer. It is not the fact that I dislike the tone of 20 odd high pitched little brats singing off key. It is because of how these parents think I am SUPPOSE to feel about them.

‘Oh look, that’s our little Darthaniel singing ‘Oh Come All Yee Faithful’. Isn’t he just so precious and talented?’‘That’s our wholesome Fawnette; warbling the bars of ‘Silent Night’. Ain’t she just sublime? Didn’t we raise such a swell little girl?’

These parents needs to take the first space shuttle back to the planet earth. Really now folks your offspring are not that special! Yeah yeah they are somewhat cute and I guess they make me all furry inside but he is not Mickey Rooney and your daughter is not Judy Garland…unless she drinks spiked eggnog then maybe she is.

And please do not make it worse by dressing your son for school in a little suit with a five inch snare drum. Your kids version of ‘The Little Boy’ makes me cringe more than when David Bowie teamed up with Bing Crosby. Pa rum pum pum pum THIS!

Look these imps have enough pressure with school work, friends and their Wii’s. So stop getting ideas that they will be on TV as ‘America’s Next Superstar Cherub’. Let your grommets run free and don’t expect them to sing in front of Uncle Bill and Auntie Janis on Christmas day. Believe me they will hate you for it and make you pay when you are old and feeble. Don’t mess up your kids more than you were after your second divorce.

But I digress.

This Christmas time should be a period to bring together our personal finances for the greater good of gift giving. And what symbolizes that Madison Avenue icon of presents more than Santa Claus! With that Little Debbie crumbed beard and the Old Granddad breathe! What better patriotic symbol do we have in our U.S. of A? The fat man of every shopping mall in America. Well I have a message for these Ed Wood quality thespians: Act like Santa Claus and that’s it! Nothing more! Do not stretch the character! You are NOT going to win an Academy Award up there on that plywood & Styrofoam stage.

‘To Ho Ho Ho, or not to Ho Ho Ho? That is the question’. There is no way Santa Claus can pull of Shakespeare!

These children are five and six years old; they are more scared of you than entertained! Stop with the method Santa Claus ok you Robert De Niro wannabes! Now if you really are an actor and this is the only gig you can get, well then I really think you should start to reconsider another career path.And if you MUST spruce up your Kriss Kringle do it right. Stop OVERACTING! You are Saint Nicholas, not Saint NICHOLAS CAGE!

I guess I really have to except these faux Santas because they are here to stay. But what really needs to stop are those annoying bastard chipmunks!Alvin, Simon and who is the other one? I think his name is Road Kill.

Really I am in a Kmart and then I hear piercingly over the load speakers: ‘Chwismus, Chwismus, twime is near, twime fur twoys and twine for chweerrrrrrrr’. UGH!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!! THE HORROR!! I suddenly have visions of one of these disease infested forest rats in the torture scene from ‘Reservoir Dogs’! Can’t you see Mr. Blonde cutting Alvin’s ear off? Now that would be great TV! ‘The Quentin Tarantino Christmas Special’This will be the darkest Christmas entertainment since ‘The William Shatner Christmas Album’.

But I’m no sadist.

I just think we’ve lost the holiday spirit in a gapping hole of want and need. We are bombarded by commercial ads of useless junk that I’ll forget about come January.And please ask me what I want for Christmas before you buy me something!

'Thanks Aunt Ethel! I always wanted an electric hairbrush!’‘Darling you shouldn’t have! Rambos 1, 2 AND 3. This makes my DVD collection complete!’‘Grandma. How on earth could you afford to buy me a talking alarm clock on your fixed income?’

Please I’d prefer a Chia Pet and be done with it.

But really for me the best part of the holiday season is snow. I love that white powder. And not because IT IS snow. I love snow because so many people despise snow.I get a kick out of people who get depressed this time of year because they hate the cold. Well guess what? You live in New York. It is December. It gets cold in New York in December!! Why are you so surprised EVERY year? I know it sucks but you make it worse on yourself by complaining about it. Move to Southern California if 30 degrees is soooo bad. My holiday experience is happier when you are cold and blue. To me this is my kind of jolly cheer. I pray for two feet of snow and 5 degrees Fahrenheit with high winds. It makes me laugh and feel better about myself when you shiver and whine. Keep it up.

So let’s accept the snow and frolic & dance in a white covered Central Park! It should be a happy time! No matter what you have or don’t have. That is the real spirit of Christmas! With chestnuts roasting and five or six or seven Brandy Alexanders. Let us all throw snow balls at the children carolers and rejoice!

Happy Holidays to everyone and a healthy 2009!

I love you all,

Vince (aka The Mountain Cat)


Knight said...

The Quentin Tarantino Christmas Special is the best idea you have ever had. IT MUST HAPPEN.

Karen said...

What??? You are alive? I thought this place was defunct. And I haven't seen either of you around on the comment circle.

I am too shocked to comment on the content at this point. The fact that there is a post just blew my mind.

Micky-T said...

Glad to see that your all spirited up for Christmas Vince.
You know we all miss you guys!
Happy yule!

Lu' said...

Very well written. I quite enjoyed it HA :) Vince I hope you have a Merry cold white Christmas. If you get too cold just stroke the cat for warmth.

The Mountain Cat said...

Thanks y'all I cannot blog at work anymore. Nor can Doc. We are muses to each other I guess.
Hope all is well with everyone!!

Patrick's Mommy said...

So, i guess my question is, should I send you a christmas card?
Joking of course:)
How's it going?

Micky-T said...

Good to hear from you guys!

It all makes sense now if you can't blog from work.

So what are we ....just work friends...gee, does that mean you don't want to know us, if your not in work?
Oh,I see,....when your with your real friends, you don't want to let them know about friends, is that it?

"ALL IN JEST" work friends!

Can we count on maybe hearing from you, NEXT Saturday? MYG LOL

Bina said...

This is, by far, one of the BEST posts ever!!! And Alvin on the Quentin show? I would pay BIG bucks to see that one!

And I pray for snow. I LOVE snow! If it's gonna be cold, GIVE ME SNOW!!!!!!!!

I miss you guys.

Disaster Chick said...

I like snow. I just don't like it cloudy and cold for no reason.

Harmony said...

New to the blog...LOVE this post! Perfectly written...thanks for the laugh.

Volly said...

Well, here it is, Christmas. You can come out of hiding now. We've missed you!