Accents and Timelines ....

Hola peeps!  It’s me, Jay the Cynical_Bastard guest posting on this lovely Friday.  Well, I assume it’s a lovely Friday. I mean, it might be a really crappy Friday, I don’t know.  But, let’s just pretend that it’s a lovely Friday, shall we?

Today I thought I would blog about two of my biggest pet peeves with television shows.  Now, I know that when we’re watching TV or movies we are supposed to suspend reality a bit and just accept certain things.  For the most part I can do that.  I pretend that fat, goofy guys who work in blue collar jobs can be married to someone as hot as Leah Remini.  I pretend that teenage girls can put on a blond wig and be a pop music superstar and nobody in her school could ever find out.  Hell, I even pretend that a mullet-sporting redneck like Billy Ray Cyrus was totally believable as a doctor on “Doc.”  

But, there are a couple of things that I just can’t seem to get past on TV shows..

So, since Doc is a proud North Carolinian and I’m an embarrassed Arkansan (sorry, I don’t like Arkanasawyer) I thought I would bring up my first complaint here.  Now, I know that Hollywood would NEVER stereotype people. But, have you ever noticed that every dumb character has a southern accent?

Hell, even if the character lives in Chicago or Minnesota or Los Angeles or whatever, if they’re dumb, they have a southern accent.  You would think that with Sarah Palin on the scene now, liberal Hollywood would give all our dumb ass characters a “youbetcha” type accent.  But, oh no.  Dumb people are always country people and they always have a southern accent.  Even if they’ve never lived in the south. 

Okay, so now complaint number 2 is all about timelines.  This is honestly my biggest pet peeve about any show.  It just amazes me how much ground people on TV can cover in such a short amount of time.  I’ll give you an example using one of my favorite shows NCIS:

So, everyone shows up for work in the morning at NCIS headquarters.  We can assume it’s 8 o’clock-ish, when they get there.  Gibbs is already there and tells the team that they have a fugitive they need to go pick up in Virginia somewhere.  So, they head out and drive all way out into the boonies. 

Amazingly enough they don’t hit any traffic at all.  I guess traffic around Washington D.C. isn’t all that bad.  Anyway, they get there and they find their fugitive.  Unfortunately he’s dead.  Sucks for him.  Now they have to call Ducky and Palmer to come out to the crime scene in the mobile meth crime lab van thingy.  Ducky and Palmer get there lickity-split also.  They do all their forensic work, load up the stiff and head back to NCIS offices. 

AND THEY GET BACK TO THE OFFICE BEFORE IT’S EVEN LUNCHTIME!

It’s amazing!  Federal agents on TV can be told about a crime in California, get on a plane and fly out there from Kentucky and get there before the police have even “processed” the crime scene.  Amazing!  And then they interview witnesses and chase the bad guys to the Mexican border, shoot EVERYBODY (except the dumb girl with the southern accent who got duped by one of the bad guys) and head on home before it gets dark.  Even in daylight savings time this is a remarkable accomplishment.  And it really does drive me crazy.

Also, last night as I was talking to my very awesome friend who also happens to be super damn hot, I thought of another one of these pet peeves.  This one is pretty much confined to soap operas though.  Ever notice how someone can have a baby, and all of the sudden that baby become like a six year old over the weekend?  And then like month later that six year old is suddenly like 12?  Weird.

And, ever notice how someone can be in a car accident, lose the use of his legs, but when they have him at the hospital right after the accident, they don’t even have an IV set up on that kid?  Amazing! And he’s totally able to talk and understand what people are saying and whatever.  Of course, after years and years of watching people with really hideous diseases and injuries being completely cured in under an hour on “ER,” I guess that “no IV” thing shouldn’t really be all that big of a deal. 

Okay, I should probably end this here.  Otherwise I’ll turn it into a looooong list of pet peeves about TV and movies and who knows what else.   Thanks for letting me guest post Doc.  And you can breathe a sigh of relief now since I didn’t blog about hookers or strippers. 

Or Miley Cyrus. 

The Peel Out Dairy Queen

This one is from the archives, but it still makes me laugh to this very day.

The Evil Twin and I woke up one morning and were both in terrible moods. This was waaay before Buddy was born. I recall it was July - because it was the Ornament Premiere at Hallmark (I'm an addict). So, we had gone to Hallmark where I picked up my ornament order (yes, I pre-order hundreds of dollars worth of ornaments every year).

Afterwards, we were going to grab lunch out and decided on Dairy Queen in the town we lived in at that time. So, the Evil Twin pulls up and proceeds to place the order.

He orders "Four hot dogs with chili and cheese and a large fry." He didn't bother himself with ASKING me what I wanted, he just ordered for me.

That is the point where I totally lost my shit.

I am not originally from WV - so I like my hot dogs mainly with just mustard and onions, occasionally with chili. But I feel putting cole slaw on a hot dog is really never right. And cheese? Please... I'm not from Ohio, either.

Plus, I worked at a DQ back in college. I know how they do cheese on a wiener. It's a half a slice of "It's not really a real food product" processed American cheese, not shredded cheese artfully sprinkled on the chili.

We had such a huge screaming match right there after he pulled up from the ordering speaker area that he just peeled out in the parking lot and drove off like a mad man, before we even got to the window where you pay and receive the food.

I've often wondered who ate those four hot dogs.

Ever since then, we've referred to that Dairy Queen as "The Peel Out Dairy Queen". And yes, we did go back there to eat from time to time. But, not very often. It brought back bad memories.

But, the Evil Twin never ordered for me again.

PS. I guess I should leave my link: I post under The Glamorous Life of a Hausfrau. Come over and see me sometime!

Friendship

First, let me formally introduce myself. I use the handle Disaster Chick because I'm in the disaster business. Technically I'm in Emergency Management so I plan for and coordinate disaster response. With the storm season upon us I recommend going to http://www.ready.gov/ for ideas on how to better protect yourself and your family. One boss told me in this business you have to be a mile wide and an inch deep with knowledge. This seems to be a thread in my life.

I've noticed that Doc seem to accumulate friends from everywhere. I "met" him though the currency tracking program, Where's George? Yes, I'm one of those people that mark my money. I've even gone to "Gatherings" and met other Georgers, but I've yet to meet Doc in person.

I've kicked around what I was going to write about and one idea was a tribute to beer since I had a couple last night. Then I was thinking about topics such as songs/music, forgiveness, and introverts/extroverts. Now my mind is leading me the topic of friendship.

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ~ Elisabeth Foley

Who is your best friend - outside of your significant other (if you have one)? Who really knows you?

My best friend would have to be my mom. It's been just the two of us since my dad died when I was 8. I was reading an article by a single gal called "My Significant Mother" in either Glamour or Marie Claire a few months ago that stuck with me. It was about how she doesn't feel the need to find a significant other because she always has someone to do things with - her mother. You share genetic material and usually enjoy many of the same things. Most guys are not going to willingly go to a ballet, chick flick. play, opera, etc., however, her mother is willing to go and have a good time.

I went to 7 different schools between K-12. In 1st Grade I went to three different schools an each teacher was Mrs. H. I thought that was a requirement to teach 1st Grade. The majority of the friends I have acquired came from 1 of the 2 schools which I attended from 3rd to 9.5 and then 9.5 to Graduation. Most I have not seen in years - and Facebook has been great for re-establishing connections. (Found out several guys had crushes on me - why didn't I see that then?) I don't think my classmates knew me very well because I was the kid that sat in the back always reading in my free time. Yet, my high school friends seem to be the ones I'm the closest to - maybe because they were there in the formative years.

For awhile my best friend was one that we had been friends since I was 10 months old and he was born. I think he was born because I was such a cute and good baby. Our friendship changed when he got married, because his wife doesn't seem to like me. His brothers say she doesn't seem like anyone. In many ways I feel bad because his entire family including parents, brothers, grandma, uncles, aunts, and cousins have said to me that "Luke should have married you." If she had overheard this I can see why she doesn't like me. I've backed off because I don't want to cause problems. They have been married for 8 years now so I hope I'm not seen as a threat anymore. I rarely see them know.

Back to being a mile wide and an inch deep - I have a wide variety of interests and will try just about anything once, and always taking ideas on new things to try and adventures to experience. Last year I went skydiving and got my motorcycle license. The previous year I got my open water certification to go SCUBA diving. I'm an extrovert with introverted tendencies and I blame that on being an only child, but maybe I'm balanced. I've always had friends that didn't like each other. It seems like I'm a giant puzzle where different friends hold a different piece and a few may hold several pieces - yet the only one that sees the picture on the front of the box is my significant mother. One day I hope that I have a significant other that will take the time to discover the picture on the front of the box.

Easter Best?

~*~*~

Ahhh ... Easter Sunday. The day when little girls get the frilliest spring dress they'll get all year, complete with a matching handbag and white patent leather shoes. And little boys? They'll be in their khakis, with a belt, their button down collared shirt scratching at their neck, and wearing the only pair of shoes their mom could could find without rubber soles.

That's what church is about, right? Getting all gussied up. Putting your best foot forward. Dressing the part. Let's not forget showing up for the Easter sunrise service insuring everyone you know sees you there! Yeah ... Easter sunrise service attendance earns church bonus points!

Just don't catch the scrutiny of the Easter Sunday church service fashion police. Don't get me wrong, it's not like the church fashion police aren't always on the prowl, but there seems to be some unspoken church rule that says it's OK to visibly show your disapproval on one of the holiest of Christian holidays.

From one blog I read ...

"Now I am not criticizing anyone, but here's a few religious beefs I have on my mind: I was raised that anytime you were in God's house, you dressed up. Slacks, button down shirts, ties and a jacket for men and a modest dress and nice shoes for women. So, I don't understand how people can show up in sweat pants for church. I also don't understand those "come as you are churches". If I go to someone's house, I take off my shoes, if I go to God's house, I wear respectable clothes."

**NOTE** This blogger did tell me, via email, that what she was trying to convey is that church dress should be "the best of what you have. Most of the time sweat pants is not the best of what you have."

From another blog in my reader ...

"Then there's that whore mother of three, perched suggestively in the pew to the right, who, though her desire to provide for her children is admirable, apparently forgot to change after her shift at "Clive's House of Cleavage." Let's just say her hard boiled eggs were in some serious need of being hidden."

In all fairness, it was difficult to tell if this blog post was written as satire (not the normal voice of this particular blogger) or if it was more passive-aggressive, but I'm leaning towards the latter.

I am fortunate that I attend one of those "come as you are" churches. That doesn't mean those who attend lack respect for the Church - or for God. I've seen many young men (my own son included) walk into the church atrium with a ball cap on, but once they walk through the sanctuary doors, those hats quickly come off. Young children sit quietly in their seats, comfortable in their fleece or jammies. Seldom does anyone walk into worship late.

And you know what? I'm thinking God doesn't care much what anyone is wearing or how much they spent to look nice on Sunday. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that He doesn't even care if we've brushed our teeth (although I'm sure there has been more than one Christian parent who has claimed otherwise). Nope! I'm thinking God is far more concerned with my heart than he is with my Donna Karan.

Wouldn't it be a better place if we were all a little more that way?

~*~*~

I'm No Wilt Chamberlin, but...

Several weeks ago, Doc posted a blog regarding Warren Beatty’s claim to having sex with over 12,000 women. While I find it hard to believe, it did get me wondering about my sex life, “How often do my wife and I have sex?” While not as active as we were BC (Before Children) and having careers, I would have said we were definitely above the norm. But, I had to know for sure!

So, due to a bad mix of curiosity and OCD, I started tracking the number of times my wife and I did the deed since the beginning of the year; all thanks to Doc and his wonderful blog. After 60 days, I calculated the frequency and thought the percentage was pretty good. I did a little searching online for studies done and found my results to be accurate.

With a good passing grade in the frequency category versus the rest of society, it dawns on me that I have overlooked the more important aspect. I got so wound up in thinking about the number of times that I didn’t think about the quality. Like most busy couples, we have to fit sex in to our schedule on occasion and sometimes the pre-sex ‘buildup’ isn’t there. But I’d like to think that even during those interactions, we both enjoy what’s going on. The only way to answer this question was for me to ask the wife, “What do you think?” I sweated this out for a few days before finding the right opportunity to ask. C’mon, making sure her bell is rung well and often is a job I take seriously. If she were to say her satisfaction level was low, I’d be crushed!

Now, I’m not going into details (the wife would not be happy and then there would be no quantity to test the quality!), but suffice it to say I was pleased with her answer and even more that it led us to speaking about things we hadn’t in a long while. Being together for almost 16 years, we both had stopped doing things we once had and took other things for granted.

How do you/your significant other view your sex life? The first part, you can do on your own. For the second, you have the option of guessing or, for the brave at heart, asking them first to answer correctly. Also, which is more important to you: quantity or quality?

Motivational Poster of the Week 4/3/10

Enjoy your Weekend and Happy Easter!

-Doc

Hitting the High Notes

Before I go running off on vacation I figured I would leave you with some stuff I have read in the news lately:

-In the spirit of Good Friday here is a story about how paintings of the Last Supper are showing the food being served has been supersized over the past one thousand years. So let me guess next they are going to try and blame childhood obesity on Jesus. Yeesh.

-A kind of gross story here about a woman accused of assaulting a police deputy by squirting her breast milk in his face. Eww.

-A strange story here about an elderly couple in Brooklyn NY who claim that the police have raided their house over 50 times for no reason. Odd, apparently a bunch of criminals have given out their address.

-I love this article about a filmmaker in South Carolina who made a parody movie called "The Hills have Thighs" and sold it to Showtime then was surprised when instead of playing his film the network showed a porn movie by the same title. Duh your movie was called "The Hills Have Thighs" (oh BTW the way the guy's name is Bubba and he used to be a SC state lawmaker.) I swear I am not making it up.

-Last one... This one was sent to me by the Mt. Cat who lives near this freak. According to this news article the reign of terror caused by the serial urinator is over. Yes this nasty dude Nitinkuma Patel apparently has a fetish for walking up to random women and peeing on them. Yuck! Well he has been arrested and it's almost fitting that the officer that caught him is named Mike Meyers because "The Serial Urinator" sounds like a criminal straight out of an Austin Powers movie. Officer Meyers' quote, " Patel was caught wearing "gray sweatpants with 'a large wet spot around his crotch area." Enjoy trying that in jail there buddy.

Until next time keep reading the news!

-Doc

Thursday Random Thoughts 4/1/10

Stuff I have been thinking about:

-If you follow me on Twitter you may know that I am counting down the days (242 still left) until I can switch to a Blackberry. It seems that out carrier Sprint doesn't want more money from us each month so they won't let us upgrade our plan until November just because we upgraded it at the beginning of 2009. doesn't make sense to me and I came very close to paying the cancellation fee and just going ahead and getting the Blackberry plan.

-We are headed to NY tomorrow night for "Spring Break" and my brother in law's wedding a week from Saturday. Somehow Spring Break on the NOFO doesn't quite have the same ring to it as Spring Break in Panama City but we should have a great time. BTW - If you are thinking that I just said back in January that I was in NY for my brother in laws wedding you are correct. This is my other brother in law getting married. I have one more wedding to be in during June then I am retiring from being in weddings.

-I have always been a fan of Jimmie Johnson because he is a good guy and my favorite driver Jeff Gordon is co-owner of his car but even I am getting tired of him winning.

-I actually got a forward e-mail last week from someone (who used to read this blog) that insinuated that if I didn't continue to forward e-mails or believe that dogs go to heaven like people do that I would end up in hell. I don't do either and I'm not too worried.

-Looking forward to the summer coming. One of the things I do during the summer is re-read the Harry Potter books. I love them so and can't wait until my son is old enough to read and understand them.

- Nothing quite like getting a spring muffler burn when I broke out the lawn mower for the first time this spring last Saturday. Ouch!

- Anyone else think the Tampon commercial with the "racially ambiguous attractive girl with white pants" commercial is hilarious?

-In a follow up to a post I did last week I am still sort of in limbo but hopefully after I get back from my vacation I will have more to report. The news is looking more positive than negative though.

-Next week while I am gone you are going to be treated to a great series of Guest blog posts. The AbsolutGator has Monday and says that he will also be doing a poll. Dana will be posting Tuesday and keeps making vague references wondering if I trust turning the blog over to her for a day... I'm trusting and I am sure she won't disappoint. On Wednesday you can read a guest post from Disaster Chick and Thursday Evil Twin's Wife will be writing here... (I'm hoping for a cleavage shot) Friday will be manned by none other that His Cynicalness Jayman. The following Monday while I am travelling I am going to try and get the Mt. Cat to post. Thanks to all the guest bloggers. I am sure they will be better than the crap I normally post here. Also we have to award the trophy for the NCAA tournament pool victor next week so stay tuned!

-Doc