No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

My office is on the 14th floor of a 30 story building. I enter the elevator section for floors 1 through 14. So I am the last stop. Every morning and afternoon, it is a mad dash for me to get into an elevator by myself and then quickly press the close door button so I don't have several people follow me in and stop on floors 1 through 13 below me. Well this afternoon after lunch I was in a good mood. I got on the elevator and as the doors slowly began to close, a woman was peering through the doors from the other side to get on. Kindly, I put my arm between the doors to open them to let her on. What I did not notice around the bend of the hallway was the cavalcade of people that also wanted to get on my elevator car! Suddenly the elevator went from just one person, me, to eight people. The elevator was so packed it was a fire hazard!

Oh well at least I am going to heaven now. That is after the elevator stops on every floor first on my way there.

- The Mountain Cat

The Homeless Prophet

Everyday in the 53rd Street and Madison Avenue subway station there is a homeless guy who walks up and down the train platform with his cane and pontificates! He looks like Samuel L. Jackson in the film The Caveman’s Valentine (pictured to the left). But he speaks very eloquently.

Among his random oratory contributions are:

- 'The Kennedy family KNEW that woman (yes, singular) would be the cause for all the war in the land. Can't we just live in peace and harmony?'

- 'Lesbianism is a fact of life! If you touch a woman, who are we to judge if you are going to hell or not?’

- ‘President Bush isn't a liar nor thief. If you elected him, you are just as much to blame! Hillary may cause more damage!’

- ‘Woman invented marriage to torture man. Woman invented marriage to torture man! Man should expect to give up all his power and possessions once he is married.’

I think you see a theme here. I assume he was hurt really bad by a former female lover and he lost all his will to be a normal member of society.

In any event, I look forward to his diatribes everyday. Despite his obvious shortcomings (sic) he seems friendly and I see some people talking to him. UH UHH! Not me! I don't want him to know me just in case he does snap one day and decides to throw the first person he recognizes onto the train tracks!

But I bet'cha he is independently wealthy and has nothing else to do with his time.

- The Mountain Cat

Word Game Winner

Thank you all for your entries in the Tuesday word game. This weeks was truly fantastic because there were a ton of very funny entries. At times like this I wish that I had the wisdom of Solomon. Lacking that wisdom I have to go with the wisdom of our readers. So many of you agreed that even though he should not be eligible that my fellow blogger Mt. Cat's entry was the funniest. I must agree because I actually spit out the soda I was drinking when I read this entry:

"In addition to dancing, President Bush also showed his previously unseen talent for his best Lionel Richie imitation when serenading his Secretary of State: 'Condoleezza say de moi ya Yeah, Jambo Jumbo! Way to parti' o we goin' Oh, jambali! Condoleezza say de moi ya Yeah, JUMBO JUMBO! Oh, O, O, O, Yes! We're gonna have a party, Yeah, ugh! All night long (all night)' "

So here I go breaking my own rules and awarding this week's Peach to the Mt. Cat. Enjoy it and of course we will play again next Tuesday. Here is your Peach, Thank all of our readers because they were the ones who convinced me to give it to you:

-Doc

Tuesday Word Game 2/26

This weeks word game could prove to be hilarious. For this weeks Peach award we are going to the world of Politics and focus on President Bush's trip to Africa last week. According to this article Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says Ole W knows how to shake what his mama gave him!

The rules are the same as always. Fill in the blank at the end of the actual news article below with a witty (but fake) ending for the story. The one that makes me laugh the most wins my peach award. Of course you can enter as many times as you wish. Just please try and keep it PG-13

Here goes:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President George W. Bush has rhythm, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice assured reporters on Friday after watching her boss join African dancers during his five-nation tour of the continent this week.

"I just want to report that the president did a fair amount of dancing when he was in Africa and demonstrated that he can stay on the beat," said Rice, an accomplished musician who loves to dance herself.

"You look sceptical, but I was there? I can certify," Rice added when reporters chuckled at her observations and then announced that during the trip to Africa in addition to dancing President Bush also showed his previously unseen talent for ___________________________.

-Doc

Things bouncing around this head of mine. 2/25/2008

- The FDA has declared that www.yougoaheadandkeeponbelievingthat.blogspot.com/ contains 95% of your recommended dietary allowance and is an excellent source of protein and fiber.

- What ever happened to Monistat 1 through 6?

- Pinocchio’s porn name should be Woody Splinters.

- Can I write off Girl Scout Cookies on my taxes as a charitable contribution?

- If Reverend Run can go from rap to a preacher, image if Vanilla Ice tried it? His sermon would go something like this: 'If you got a problem, yo he'll solve it. Check out the cross 'cause he's nailed on it! He's Christ, Christ baby. He's Jesus Christ, Christ baby'. (Yup, I am taking the express elevator directly to Hell someday, aren’t I?).

- A new study finds that women who live in places with bright illumination at night are more likely to develop breast cancer. Headlights bad for headlights? Hmmm.

- An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But what if you are studying for you doctorate? Stay away from apples then I guess?

- Hickory dickory doc. Three mice ran up a clock. The clock struck one, while the other two got away with minor injuries.

- I'm going to vote for John McCain as he looks like a guy my dad would hang out with.

- Someday I am going to writing a book on how to be a non-conformist.

- 'Oh yes. Thank you. You Americans are so nice to us foreigners. Yes, I would love a knuckle sandwich. Sounds tasty. Thank you.'

- I wonder if there is a strip club in a Boca Raton, Florida retirement community called Old Wives’ Tails?

- What exactly qualifies as a bitch slap? I can never quite figure that one out.

- When I was a little boy in the mid 1970s I used to think that every celebrity in the world knew each other. For instance Pope John Paul the First and the band members of KISS had each others phone numbers.

- I dated June last April. Then I dated April last May. And I hope to start seeing May this June.

- There is a drink called The 3 Wise Men which is a combination of Johnny Walker Scotch, Jim Beam Bourbon and Jack Daniels Whiskey. Also known as The 3 Js. Then there is a drink called The Four Musketeers which adds Jose Cuervo Tequila to The 3 Js. I feel a headache coming on as I write this. I need to lie down now.

- My Jack Handy profound thought of the day: Humans are always people...but people aren't always humans. Think about it.

- Have you ever heard anyone say, ‘Man, I can't wait until Tuesday!'? Nothing good ever happens on Tuesdays. (Unless of course you are a big American Idol fan?).

- I can't wait for the movie Ernest Goes to Fallujah. It is going to be a big summer hit!

- I once took a wooden nickel. But nothing bad happened.

- And finally I was with my dad in his car last week and he accidentally took an illegal left turn. Then a cop stopped us and asked him ‘Didn’t you see the arrow?’ And my dad’s response was, ‘Arrow? I didn’t even see the Indian?’ The cop thought that was hilarious and let him go with just a warning.

- The Mountain Cat

Weekly Poll 2/25

After a one week absence the weekly poll returns this week. Nothing really controversial, but I figured that with the Oscars being last night we could ask who your favorite awards show is. Please take a moment to cast your vote and may the best show win!

If you like something not on the list then just vote "other" and post what it is in a comment.

-Doc

Weekend Update

Man I sure am getting old.... I can't keep up with these teenagers anymore.

-Doc

The Nose Knows

We just received a new question for our Ask Doc & The Mountain Cat Advice Section.

The question comes from fellow blogger Micky-T (http://malihinitennessee.blogspot.com/).

He asks: Would like to know if there is a difference between snot and boogers. Are they one and the same, or is snot the juicy stuff and boogers the chunky bits?

It is a wonderful question Micky-T which has a long history behind it.

Firstly, yes snot is more of a liquid substance per the research I found in Encyclopedia Britannica. The scientific term of snot is actually called Snotseptum Membranus. Hence, snot for short. A booger is more of a solid substance. The word booger is Latin for nasal blockage per Wikapedia.

Snot is more likely formed in lower elevations and damp climates while boogers are more like formed in higher mountainous areas with lots of dry air per Health Weekly.

But snot and boogers have a very long history. Per National Geographic, the ancient Incas used to save their snot and boogers as seasoning for their celebratory feast when they slaughtered ox and cattle.

However, the turn of the century American Industrial Revolution saw a snot and booger famine. Too much saw dust and steel iodine in the air prevented people from producing snot and boogers. Which eventually led to the Great Depression. (This is per the research I found in the Ladies Home Journal).

Finally, snots and boogers have been the subject of many novels and poems. Ernest Hemingway was supposedly fascinated by snots and boogers and once wrote in his initial draft of his novel To Have and Have Not that, ‘To snot is human but to booger is divine.’

- The Mountain Cat