Awsome Christmas Decorating Idea

I saw this idea for a spoof on Christmas lights and just had to post it... Hilarious. This guy set this up to look as if his ladder fell out from under him while he was stringing up the lights! Read the caption below. I ought to do this at our house:

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my
Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after two
days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories,
but two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me
that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove
by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost
killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize that it was fake
until she climbed to the top (she was not happy).

By the way, she
was one of the many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it
either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my
yard.

Merry Christmas !

-Doc

YJKOBT Christmas Pageant 2009

We here at YJKOBT are happy to present as our Christmas gift you you this Holiday season our Christmas Pageant. Based on everything that has happened this past year we have attempted to bring an all star cast to portray the Manger nativity scene. So here as our we proudly present the cast for this years Christmas Pageant as only YJKOBT can do it:

Portraying Mary the Blessed Mother of Jesus we have Sarah Palin. A perfect symbol of pure holier-than-thou-ness who also seems to have already had some experience with pageants as well as the immaculate conception and virgin birth. Sarah will take some time out of her book tour make a fine Virgin Mary and besides we tried to get Angelina Jolie but she was busy abroad adopting another child and trying to save the world in other ways.

We thought about Joseph and who could possibly be better than Barack Obama to portray Jesus' father? Even though he really wanted to play the Savior instead we cast him for Joseph. Obama will make a great Joseph because who else can better portray having a big presence in the story but really not having a heck of a lot of control of the outcome? Besides we already have one Joseph (Biden) in the White House who does nothing. Might as well make it two.

Now who shall we get to play our glorious Christ Child in YJKOBT's Christmas pageant? Well Falcon Heene of course! Our little balloon boy is perfect! Who better to act out what happens to a kid suddenly thrust into a spotlight that he wasn't ready for? (Let's just hope that he doesn't puke on our stage)

Every Christmas pageant has an Angel Gabriel who announces to the frightened shepherds that The Savior has been born. We didn't have to look far to cast this one because already singing with the angels (maybe) is Michael Jackson. He already has the costume picked out and you can best believe it has plenty of sequins. The King of Pop will portray the Angel Gabriel and will be accompanied by an entire stage of heavenly hosts including Taylor Swift, Miley Sirus, The Jonas Brothers, and Susan Boyle. Oh yes we go all out here at YJKOBT.

Cast as the shepherds who were watching their flocks by night are Robert Pattinson, Adam Lambert, and Kanye West. These three all had years worthy of being cast for various reasons although Adam and Robert are really concerned that Kanye is gonna steal the spotlight.

Following those poor shepherds of course are sheep. We were inundated with requests to be in the play and had to limit the number of sheep we could cast. Out of all the requests we settled on the following sheep who have been underexposed in 2009 and really need the exposure: Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox, Lady Gaga, Lindsay Lohan, Brittney Spears, and Carrie Prejean. After finishing the casting we had to reconsider and add another sheep as well. We added Amy Winehouse since not only does she need the exposure but she is certainly close to death now that she is 27 and the YJKOBT pageant just may be her final performance.

To continue we looked at the characters of the Three Wise Men. When we cast David Letterman, Gov. Mark Sanford, and Tiger Woods (just missing the cut was John Edwards) as our Christmas wise men we decided that the concept would be reversed. In our pageant these three will be known as Dumb, Dumber, and Just Plain Stupid. The three idiots. And you wondered why the wise men traveled from afar without their wives? I think we know now.

Bringing the idiots on their long journey of course are camels and once again we had to narrow the list from a ton of qualified candidates who wanted to make our play. We settled on the most dromedary like characters we could find. Making the cast were Keith Olberman, Bill O'Riley, Sean Hannity, Jay Leno, and Conan O'Brien. Jimmy Fallon would have been cast here but we were afraid that his 2009's trend would continue and nobody would come and watch.

Last but not least we had to fill out the stage with the animals gathered around the manger. The oxen and the asses. We found no shortage of able bodied people willing to fill these roles. Cast as the oxen and the asses this year are Perez Hilton, Bernard Madoff, Chris Brown, and Jon Gosselin.

So what do you think? How will this cast perform? Is there anyone we missed that deserved casting? Please as always your comments are welcome and we would love to hear your thoughts.

Merry Christmas everybody!!

-Doc

Tips Obama can take from Tiger

Ummmm I can think of 10 tips that Obama can take from Tiger too and the first one is... DON'T DO ANYTHING THAT TIGER HAS BEEN DOING!!

(BTW - this is an actual Golf Digest cover picture set to go out before the whole 2 am car crash due to 11 mistresses fiasco)

-Doc

Hitting the high Notes 11/11/2009

First of all a big thank you to all our Veterans on Veterans Day. The service you have given can never be fully re payed

Now on with my take on the news:

-So you want to send your kid to Duke University for the quality education huh? How would you feel about your daughter participating in a University funded study on the effects of sex toy parties on students attitudes about sex? As if college students weren't already in enough of a sexually charged atmosphere as it is lets introduce them to sex toy parties! Does anyone else think this might be a bad idea?

-On Sunday a deer got into the lions den at the Washington National Zoo in front of visitors including children and they got a lesson in what the wild is really all about. The deer did put up a good fight for survival and to be fair the lions did not actually eat it.

-It seems like the folks at Kraft foods don't like getting no for an answer. The US Food maker of such treats as Oreos and Miller Beer is making a hostile takeover bid for British candy maker Cadbury. Apparently somebody at Kraft reaaaaaly likes those nasty Creme Eggs.

-Speaking of Candy. Connecticut is experiencing a serious crime wave recently. Instead of robbing banks or liquor stores apparently the serious hard core gangstas in that area are into stealing chewing gum at an alarming pace. Rumor is that the Double mint twins are scared to visit Connecticut for fear of being kidnapped.

-Here is a quote from disgraced former beauty pageant and same sex marriage opponent Carrie Prejean taken from the Today Show :
“There is an extreme double standard that conservative women are under attack for whatever it is,” Prejean told Vieira. “If Sean Hannity went out there and said some of the things that Keith Olbermann has said about me, if he says anything about [Sonia] Sotomayor, Michelle Obama, he would be off the air. Why is there this double standard?" - Ummm Carrie ya know the difference is that Justice Sotomayor is well a like you know Supreme court Justice and Michelle Obama well like umm she is the like First Lady of the US and junk and you well you are a sanctimonious hypocritical former Miss California who thinks that anyone who disagrees with your prehistoric views on gay marriage is out to get you. Trust me if Sotomayor or Obama had made a sex tape they would be much bigger news than you.

-Amazing story here about a teenager who got stuck on an ice floe with three polar bears. He was trapped there for over a day on the freezing ice with them after his snowmobile broke down.... Good thing he had a gun.

-I read today where we had some hikers get arrested for espionage in Iran. The question I had was when did hikers all of a sudden become international spies? Because didn't we just have to send Slick Willy over to North Korea to free a couple of hikers a couple of months ago who got arrested for the same thing? Hiking has gotten kind of a bad rap recently hasn't it? Didn't SC Governor Mark Sanford try to say that he was hiking when he was really really South of the border? Hiking seem to pretty dangerous stuff these days. I guess if you plan to go hiking you better take several kinds of protection with you.

Until Next time...

-Doc

McCain in the Membrane

I thought this photo from last night was funny and figured it was photoshopped but it's not. This is an actual Reuters news photo from last night's debate. I figured you guys would like it.

To me it kinda of looks like John McCain is trying to dance to his own version of Cypress Hill's Insane in the membrane... This one is McCain in the Membrane. (McCain in the brain)

-Doc

Escape proof Pack-n-Play

My good buddy the Mt. Cat was thinking about my son Patrick and his well being after he found out that Patrick has the ability to break out of "baby jail" and pretty much anywhere else we try to contain him. So Mt. Cat decided to invent an escape proof pack and play to make sure that Patrick is always safe. Here is what he came up with:


Mt. Cat is going to start selling these in stores soon. I think the model shown above is in "Alcatraz Azure Blue" Models will also be available in "Guantanimo Green" and "Abu-Gharib Gray" as well.

-Doc

Haloween is gonna be scary this year

-Doc

Do you want to see something scary

It's Sarah Palin sculpted into a cornfield in Ohio . The odd thing about it is that it actually seems to be done to the real size of her ego!

Enjoy your weekend!

-Doc

Good morning

Are your kids on a field trip today?

- TMC

The best political cartoon of the primary season

In keeping with the Monty Python-like theme we have around our blog (and due to the fact that Mt. Cat seems to be MIA today) I present the best political cartoon I saw all the primary season.

-Doc

Which is more dangerous ??

-Doc

And a Happy Tuesday to ya...

Stewie,

Be nice.

The Mountain Cat

For all you coffee drinkers out there...

PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN! Coffee's for closers only.

-Doc

I prefer dissonance

Last night I did not feel like going home after work as I wanted to go out and watch the Ranger game and get something to eat. None of my friends were around and they don’t like hockey anyway. So I went to the trusty website Meetup.com to find some Rangers fans. To my surprise there are no Ranger Meetup groups. Strange considering this is such a big sports town. So I searched some more and I came across the Pittsburg Penguins Meetup Group. So I figured why not? So I hopped on a train to the East Village Bar where they were meeting. When I got there I met the crowd of 10 Penguins fans….rabid Penguins fans, 6 men and 4 women. Immediately I made my allegiance be known. I explained that yes I am a New York Rangers fan but I just wanted to meet some cool hockey fans and enjoy some brewskis. There was sudden silence at the table. They were in shock that I had the gall to show up. I was about to excuse myself but they told me not to worry as they won’t beat me up. So I hung around and had some beers and food with them. They turned out to be a nice group of kids (mid 20s/early 30s so I was the elder statesman). However, they still had to get there zingers in to diss my beloved Rangers. I didn’t get mad at any point considering that I volunteered to be there! It was all in good fun.

Their Penguins were losing to the Florida Panthers 1 to nothing at the halfway point. Meanwhile I was sitting pretty as my Rangers were destroying the Montreal Canadians 5 to zero in the middle of the second period as well (Goals are hard to come by in the NHL nowadays). But little by little, that score began to change. Montreal scored to make it 5 to 1. They scored again to make it 5 to 2. Then again; 5 to 3. Then again; 5 to 4! The more the Canadians scored the more abuse I got from these Penguins. Their team tied the score and eventually won in the finally minute of regulation. But suddenly the second to last nail in my coffin got hammered in: 5 to 5! Ex-Ranger castoff Alexi Kovelov scored the game tier for the Canadians. I began to sulk. I should have left. But I decided to be a good sport and stick it out. The game went to overtime. Then a shootout then……...NO!!!!!!.......Saku Koivu wins the game for the Canadians 6 to 5!! The damn Rangers blew a 5 goal lead while I was at a table full of abusive Puffins. This team has been so inconsistent all year. I was sad and angry. But then the Penguins were nice to me and asked that I come hang out with them again. I guess they felt sorry for me. Afterwards we all chipped in for some Mega Millions tickets before we left. I haven’t heard from the group’s organizers so they may have run off with part of my $220 million dollars. Last time I trust any Penguins fans! But they did inspire me as I need to start my own New York Rangers Meetup Group.

But like I said I am a sucker for punishment. I like to test the waters full of sharks to see what happens apparently. Just like the time I wore my Yankees cap at Fenway Park in Boston when I was 16. Uhhh, that was not a good idea either. Some drunkard took my cap and the Red Sox fans threw it around like a beach ball. I did get the cap back an hour later with mustard stains on it. I am sure I did a lot more eccentric things but I’ll save them for another blog. Like Shirley Manson once sang ‘I only like it when it’s complicated. I'm only happy when it rains’.

Oh well curiosity killed the Mountain Cat I guess?

- The Mountain Cat

1-800-62 (everyone please re-listen)

U P D A T E - I am sorry I previously linked the wrong Audio... Now both are linked - Please listen to Part One - It should make more sense now.... Sorry

Today you guys get a little bit of a treat. What we have today is a piece of the past. A little audio from 1994 that I hope that you will find hilarious. Ok here is the set up. My first job out of college was a claims investigator with an insurance company who insured drivers who had problem driving records. During my time there I found that dealing with many of these people was difficult and actually comical at times. I began to document some of these conversations and situations that I had. The following audio is actually me attempting to give my phone # to two different people trying to have the person involved in the accident call me back. I am just trying to give a simple phone # and that's where it all goes awry. My good buddy Mt. Cat has been nice enough to transcribe the conversation as well. Stick with it because even though it is a little bit long it is hilarious. Oh yes and what you are about to hear is 100% real and unscripted. Enjoy, we call this 1-800-62. Part 1 The audio starts after I have tried 3 times to give this old man my 1-800 number. Let me know what you think:

PLEASE CLICK HERE FOR PART ONE AUDIO - I am sorry I had the wrong audio linked before

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO PART TWO AUDIO

Transcript:

SHANE: It’s, it’s 1-800-642…not six four three.

OLD MAN: Uhhuh, you said four two?

SHANE: Yes six four two.

OLD MAN: Ok.

SHANE: You got it?

OLD MAN: Wait just a minute…6….fo….six four two.

SHANE: Yes sir.

OLD MAN: Ok…I to have him call you.

SHANE: Ok hold up hold up. It’s 1-800-642-0506.

OLD MAN: Uh…is this some kind of business or somthin’?

SHANE: I’m his insurance company.

OLD MAN: What kinda place is this?

SHANE: This, I’m the person who is investigating the accident he was involved in.

OLD MAN: Uh-huh.

SHANE: ‘k…I’m not, I need to, I to get give you the full number so he can call me…It’s a (half laughing) free call.

OLD MAN: Wait just a minute (---walks away---) Freddie, come here…..I thought……(---comes back to the phone---) I thought that was him out there but it wasn’t.

SHANE: Ok…well how much of the number do you have down so far?

OLD MAN: HUH?

SHANE: The, the phone number how much do you have written down?

OLD MAN: I got 1-800-62.

SHANE: Ok.

OLD MAN: Oh.

SHANE: Ok…It’s…(Half laughing) start all over.

OLD MAN: Huh?

SHANE: Lemme give you the number again.

OLD MAN: 1-800,

SHANE: six four,

OLD MAN: six,

SHANE: four two,

OLD MAN: Yeah.

SHANE: zero five,

OLD MAN: Wait a minute…..Zero…five, yeah?

SHANE: And then zero six.

OLD MAN: Zero six.

SHANE: After the zero five …..(Half laughing) And there’s more.

OLD MAN: Huh?

SHANE: (half laughing) and then there’s more…. I have an extension number.

OLD MAN: Uh huh.

SHANE: The extension is three nine….

OLD MAN: Yeah.

SHANE: three three….

OLD MAN: Yeah?

SHANE: Now read me what you got.

OLD MAN: 1-800-62…

SHANE: No it’s six four two…..

OLD MAN: Six…no I ain’t talking about, I’m talking about just a straight number?

SHANE: Right.

OLD MAN: Oh, 1-800...six…two.

SHANE: No it’s six four two, sir.

OLD MAN: (feeble) Huh?

SHANE: It’s it’s 1-800-642-0506 and then the extension number. I don’t know where you are getting the six two after the 1-800.

OLD MAN: I got 1-800- but I...and ah…six, six two…..and you say?

SHANE: No it’s six four two.

OLD MAN: Six…..le uh, let her get this I can’t understand that! (Trails away)

OLD WOMAN: Hello?

SHANE: Ma’am?

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh?

SHANE: Can you talk down a number and have uh Fredrick call me back?

OLD WOMAN: What’s this number?

SHANE: 1-800,

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh.

SHANE: Six four two,

OLD WOMAN: Six four two.

SHANE: Oh five,

OLD WOMAN: Five.

SHANE: Zero five!

OLD WOMAN: Oh five.

SHANE: And then oh six.

OLD WOMAN: Oh six?

SHANE: Let me read it to ya.

OLD WOMAN: Wait now, I’ve got 800, 1-800-six four two, five oh five.

SHANE: No, it’s not just zero five, not oh five…six four two,

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh.

SHANE: Zero fiv,

OLD WOMAN: Zero fiv, uh, oh? Not, not 800?

SHANE: Yeah it’s 1-800,

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh.

SHANE: six four two,

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh.

SHANE: Zero five,

OLD WOMAN: Zero five.

SHANE: Zero six.

OLD WOMAN: Zero...six.

SHANE: And my extension number,

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh.

SHANE: Is three nine three three…

OLD WOMAN: Six three nine, what?

SHANE: Three three.

OLD WOMAN: Three three, ok.

SHANE: Read it back to me one mor, one time just to make sure I got it.

OLD WOMAN: Ok...now eh you have uh uh, six four two, five oh, six oh.

SHANE: No it’s oh five oh six.

OLD WOMAN: (laugh) It’s oh five oh six! Oh my goodness let me start all over! Six four,

SHANE: (half laugh) That’s 1-800 six four two

OLD WOMAN: Oh…oh five, oh six

SHANE: Yes.

OLD WOMAN: Oh six, extension three nine three…

SHANE: Three.

OLD WOMAN: Three.

SHANE: Now let me read it to you one time to make sure we got.

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh.

SHANE: 1-800,

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh.

SHANE: six four two,

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh.
.
SHANE: Zero five zero six,

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh.

SHANE: Extension three nine three three.

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh, awhoaw.

SHANE: Ok, have Fred, and my name is Shane by the way.

OLD WOMAN: Shane?

SHANE: Yes.

OLD WOMAN: S,

SHANE: Have, have,

OLD WOMAN: S H what?

SHANE: S,H,A,N,E.

OLD WOMAN: S, H, A, N, E. Ok.

SHANE: Have Fredrick call me as soon as he gets in.

OLD WOMAN: Ok.

SHANE: Thank you.

OLD WOMAN: Uh huh.

*click* *dial tone*

SHANE: You gotta be kidding me? (laugh)


-Doc