PETA isn't going to like this Olympic Sport

As the second week of Olympic competition is now in full swing the training runs for a new addition to the games are now underway. The Nordic Combined Downhill Feline Shooting Relay is set to have the preliminaries tonight in prime time and the medal round on Saturday.
You haven't heard of this event? Well it's new to the Vancouver games this year. It works like this. There are two components the down hill and then the shooting. The skier at the top of the hill does a downhill run with a .30-06 rifle strapped to their back. At the bottom he passes off to the shooter who then has to kill a Cougar, a Lynx, or a Mountain Lion that has been caged up. When the skier crosses the finish line the cage springs open and the cat makes a run for it. Lowest combined time wins. (The picture to the right shows one of the training runs)
Now NBC hasn't exactly been promoting the heck out of this competition (kind of like the way they are burying curling on MSNBC) mostly because of reports that Bob Costas is actually a covert member of PETA. Costas is "outraged" at those "Blood thirsty savages" as he calls the Canadians and plans on removing himself from the coverage. The competition will have a new host and commentator in the person of renowned big game hunter Ted Nugent. Mary Carillo however has no qualms about broadcasting the event even though she is known to be a cougar herself.
Not surprisingly the Canadians are favorites to medal in the competition and there has been much controversy because the Americans has accused them of rigging the course to let the cats get away. Be sure to tune in as this is sure to be a ratings winner. It's got to be better than ice dancing right?

-Doc

YJKOBT Christmas Pageant 2009

We here at YJKOBT are happy to present as our Christmas gift you you this Holiday season our Christmas Pageant. Based on everything that has happened this past year we have attempted to bring an all star cast to portray the Manger nativity scene. So here as our we proudly present the cast for this years Christmas Pageant as only YJKOBT can do it:

Portraying Mary the Blessed Mother of Jesus we have Sarah Palin. A perfect symbol of pure holier-than-thou-ness who also seems to have already had some experience with pageants as well as the immaculate conception and virgin birth. Sarah will take some time out of her book tour make a fine Virgin Mary and besides we tried to get Angelina Jolie but she was busy abroad adopting another child and trying to save the world in other ways.

We thought about Joseph and who could possibly be better than Barack Obama to portray Jesus' father? Even though he really wanted to play the Savior instead we cast him for Joseph. Obama will make a great Joseph because who else can better portray having a big presence in the story but really not having a heck of a lot of control of the outcome? Besides we already have one Joseph (Biden) in the White House who does nothing. Might as well make it two.

Now who shall we get to play our glorious Christ Child in YJKOBT's Christmas pageant? Well Falcon Heene of course! Our little balloon boy is perfect! Who better to act out what happens to a kid suddenly thrust into a spotlight that he wasn't ready for? (Let's just hope that he doesn't puke on our stage)

Every Christmas pageant has an Angel Gabriel who announces to the frightened shepherds that The Savior has been born. We didn't have to look far to cast this one because already singing with the angels (maybe) is Michael Jackson. He already has the costume picked out and you can best believe it has plenty of sequins. The King of Pop will portray the Angel Gabriel and will be accompanied by an entire stage of heavenly hosts including Taylor Swift, Miley Sirus, The Jonas Brothers, and Susan Boyle. Oh yes we go all out here at YJKOBT.

Cast as the shepherds who were watching their flocks by night are Robert Pattinson, Adam Lambert, and Kanye West. These three all had years worthy of being cast for various reasons although Adam and Robert are really concerned that Kanye is gonna steal the spotlight.

Following those poor shepherds of course are sheep. We were inundated with requests to be in the play and had to limit the number of sheep we could cast. Out of all the requests we settled on the following sheep who have been underexposed in 2009 and really need the exposure: Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox, Lady Gaga, Lindsay Lohan, Brittney Spears, and Carrie Prejean. After finishing the casting we had to reconsider and add another sheep as well. We added Amy Winehouse since not only does she need the exposure but she is certainly close to death now that she is 27 and the YJKOBT pageant just may be her final performance.

To continue we looked at the characters of the Three Wise Men. When we cast David Letterman, Gov. Mark Sanford, and Tiger Woods (just missing the cut was John Edwards) as our Christmas wise men we decided that the concept would be reversed. In our pageant these three will be known as Dumb, Dumber, and Just Plain Stupid. The three idiots. And you wondered why the wise men traveled from afar without their wives? I think we know now.

Bringing the idiots on their long journey of course are camels and once again we had to narrow the list from a ton of qualified candidates who wanted to make our play. We settled on the most dromedary like characters we could find. Making the cast were Keith Olberman, Bill O'Riley, Sean Hannity, Jay Leno, and Conan O'Brien. Jimmy Fallon would have been cast here but we were afraid that his 2009's trend would continue and nobody would come and watch.

Last but not least we had to fill out the stage with the animals gathered around the manger. The oxen and the asses. We found no shortage of able bodied people willing to fill these roles. Cast as the oxen and the asses this year are Perez Hilton, Bernard Madoff, Chris Brown, and Jon Gosselin.

So what do you think? How will this cast perform? Is there anyone we missed that deserved casting? Please as always your comments are welcome and we would love to hear your thoughts.

Merry Christmas everybody!!

-Doc

Nik Wallenda

I suppose I should give my congratulations to
Nik Wallenda for his World Record bicycle high wire act live on the Today Show this morning. (video)

However, I still remain unimpressed!
Really now, what's the big deal?
It wasn't dangerous enough in my opinion.

So Nik if you are reading this, I offer the following suggestions for your next stunt:

- Ride the bike across the wire with a
rabid, in-heat wolverine on your head.
Now that would be impressive!
or,
- Eat six bean burritos & laxatives an hours before the stunt. Have a toilet attached to the seat and then ride across the high wire.
Now that would be impressive!
or,
- Ride the bike at full speed and jump over David Blaine who is lying still on the wire for 3 days in another one of his own stupid stunts.
Now that would be impressive!
or,
- Ride across the wire on a two seater bicycle with your mother-in-law on the back seat as she is yelling at you about what a loser her daughter married because you never got a real job.
Now that would be impressive!

But Nik I guess you've already decided that your next stunt will be to walk across the Grand Canyon on a high wire next spring. I am still unimpressed. Unless of course a bunch of desert vultures see you and start to hover a few inches above your head in anticipation to munch on your maimed carcass.
Now that would be impressive!

- The Mountain Cat

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

OMG!!!!

Please click & watch this clip:

Feed Bags.

Hilarious!!!

Thank you Onion.com

- The Mountain Cat

PS: Doesn't it look like our fellow blogger Cynical Bastard underneath that Taco Bell Bag?

Good morning Droogs

Alex and I are here at The Korova milkbar waiting for you.

- The Mountain Cat

I Hope for Pope Soap on a Rope?? Ahhh, Nope!

Pope Benedict XVI is in Manhattan as we speak. I will try to get a glimpse of him when he stops by St. Patrick's Cathedral this afternoon. But since midtown is on such a lock down, I doubt I will get to see him.

Any who, I wonder what he wants to accomplish while he is here?

Hmmmm??

The Top Ten Things Pope Benedict XVI Wants to Accomplish on His Trip To America.....

10. Change the Catholic mass celebratory wine and wafer to beer and wienerschnitzel (Well he is German).

9. Make that red Pope hat fashionable.

8. Buy knock off Gucci wallets and sunglasses from a street corner 'salesman'.

7. To promote the manufacturing of his Pope Mobile which has 40 MPG on the street, 50 MPG on the highway.

6. Exercise the Chicago Cubs 100 year curse of not winning the World Series.

5. Go to a New York Ranger playoff game and yell 'Potvin Sucks!'

4. Take the Sex & the City bus tour.

3. At mass at St. Patrick Cathedral, tell the crowd that Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code will replace the King James Bible. Cough. Then laugh. Then yell 'Fool you!'

2. Go out 'clubbing' with Jenna Bush and her friends.

And the #1 Thing that Pope Benedict XVI Wants to Accomplish on His Trip To America....

1. Make Oprah kiss his feet.

Any other warped ideas folks to compete for my Lion Award??? Happy Friday.

- The Mountain Cat

(Disclaimer: I truly love my Pope and I have a very strong faith in God. I hope they both know this blog is purely satire. Amen).

Snacks and the City

This spring our favorite self-centered 'guurlfriends' Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are back with Sex and the City: The Movie. When this HBO show was on TV, it influenced millions of women across the country. From Cosmopolitan Martinis to 5-inch 'FMP' heals to woman talking opening in public about the one night stand they had over the weekend. Now I am no Puritan by any means, but I was always a little disturbed by how far reaching Sex and City was (and still is) in influencing pop culture. Especially here in Manhattan, the shows back drop metropolis. But I am curious to see if the filmmakers have come up with anything new that will be trend setters in 2008. But I hope they get really creative to satisfy the fickle public who are waiting impatiently to find out.

What I suggest is the female feedbag.

I mean why not? For the busy working girl on the go. You can pour your $12 Chop't salad into the feedbag, and chew as you walk, hail a cab or eat under an umbrella on those rainy days. Wouldn't you love to see Carrie walk around with one strapped to her chin? Seriously if you promote it the right way, the summer of 2008 will be the summer of fashionable feedbag. Imagine, thousands of Manhattan women walking around Park Avenue with their Coach Bags, Gucci shoes, Fendi diamond necklaces and National Bridle feedbags. Now that's hot! Versace will sell them with pink floral patterns and Prada will have them with diamond encrusted studs and a cell phone strap attached to the top, so you can listen to a conversation while you eat. Gisele Bundchen can walk down a runway in Victoria Secret lingerie and a black laced feedbag. I really think this can be a new American sensation!

So for the writers of Sex and the City, I give you permission to use my idea for the movie sequel. But when this becomes a big hit, I hope to see some royalties.

- The Mountain Cat